Huh...

I went running yesterday after a lengthy vacation. I am truly worried about myself. I started out slow and braced myself for the inevitable wave of aches and pains. Nothing. I felt fine. I ran faster and faster still. I felt fine. The only inhibitor was the burning in my lungs if I ran too fast. It was exhilarating to run pain free, and that was actually, (gulp) actually, sort of, kinda... Well, fun? Maybe fun is too strong. Let me rephrase. It was a run devoid of suckiness. A run with the absence of suckiness actually isn’t too bad of a way to spend your time. I suspect this is just a fluke. The planets were aligned, the gods were smiling upon me and the conditions were ripe for a good run. I suspect the regular pains of running will return. They better anyway. I can’t come to the end of this experiment with an appreciation of running. As we ALL know, running ain’t no fun. The one thing I still can’t figure out, is why I am actually putting on weight.

Mutiny

If my legs could be personified, you would have seen them standing there, tight lips, turned into a defiant frown, like a straw with both ends melted, pointed downward in the same direction as their attitude. A single arm stabbed purposefully in the air with a middle finger perched proudly on top like a light house on a rocky crag.

When I run, there is a part of my brain that calls out cadence, tosses out commands, barks orders, pushes people around.  Upon seeing my leg's defiant mutiny, his face turned red, a furrowed scowl grew on his face, his lips turned down also, but briefly.  And then the lips parted slowly.  Stringy pieces of spit clung to the top and bottom teeth like they were trying to pull the whole crevasse back together.  And then came a low and building wail "Mommy! They are being mean to me!" and then he clenched his fists, stomped his feet and stamped in a circle and then ran to his room sobbing uncontrollably.

I watched the whole thing unfold in my head in amazement.  Monday's run seemed so effortless.  It barely bothered me at all.  With the exception of the onset of the horrible chaffing issue, it was almost... if but, a trace bit, enjoyable.  And then today.  Legs just threw off the shackles and said "ENOUGH!" I ended up walking most of my run this morning. What did I do different?

Then it occurred to me.  In the mornings I never feel hungry. The thought of food, most of the time when I wake up makes me want to trot to the bathroom grab the toilet bowl with both hands and start calling out for my long lost friend "RALPH!" Here's what I figure.  Hunger is controlled by a series of chemical reactions in the body, like ghrelin, insulin and who knows what else play this balancing act.  When the scales get off balance your brain interprets that as hunger.  Obviously, my body chemistry is in standby mode when I wake up.  It takes a few hours for things to fire up and get going.

Serotonin is a chemical in our bodies that give us a feeling of well-being.  If my system is on standby then it is impossible for me to feel happiness in the mornings.  I am an autonomous shell of a man lethargically bumping my way around, completely void of logical thought processes or capable of feeling happy.  You would think, in this robotic state of being, I could just charge out there and hammer out my run before I even knew what was going on. Not so.  Boy is there a huge difference in my performance in the evenings compared to my mornings.  Just further proof that this kid is a night person and should not do anything in the mornings but sleep.

The good, the bad, the ugly

Well, I am 40 miles in. 1/5 of the way done. How is it going so far? Do I love running yet? Is it paying off? I think you will all be astonished, as I am that today's run wasn't all that bad.  My legs were not burning. My breathing was a comfortable rhythm of steady and deep breathes. I was never winded. I picked a conservative pace and just chugged along.

For the first time, without aching legs, I was able to open up a long stride and maintain it. What happens when you take bigger steps? Where do our legs bend?  They bend where they join the hip bone.  This joint causes a pivot point. A pivot point that causes both legs to cross paths in opposite directions, right around the upper, inner thigh.  A location where I have a bit of flab. Both legs slapping back and forth against each other.  Mix in a bit of sweat.  Skin gets sticky.  Sticky skin causes friction.  Friction causes heat.  Heat causes burns. burns remove layers of skin. When layers of skin are removed, bleeding occurs.  OK, so I didn't bleed, but I did cause some burning and took off a few layers of skin.  This happened suddenly at about mile 4.  I walked the last mile, very gingerly. Just when I think I have overcome another treachery of running, I discover another one. I like the way the miseries of running continually morph and reinvent themselves into completely new and unplanned pains. Ain't running fun?

Another benefit or running

I noticed today while running that maybe I am getting better conditioned.  I am not breathing hard when I run. Might I stress that I am getting PHYSICALLY accustomed to running.  Mentally... not so much. Every mile or so, my mind sends down the signal "OK everybody! We've had about enough of this, let's change it up a bit and walk for 1,2 or maybe the rest of the jog"  My legs are obedient and they go "Yeah, good idea" and I walk.  Thn my heart, my lungs and even my legs go "Hey, you know what?  We um, actually aren't that tired anymore.  Would you mind if we started running again to get this whole crap-fest over with?" and my mind says "YIGH! Hold up! What-is-the-rush? Let's just take this one step at at time.  A nice leisurely step at a time huh?" and so I walk for a bit.

I have also found another benefit to running.  I have never had any sort of stomach condition that would be called heartburn.  I have never felt the pains and agony of such. Since running, I have developed heartburn. Running is so awesome.

Benefits of Running

Have I mentioned that running ain't no fun? Well, it isn't. And I hate it. But I think I have finally tapped into a few of the benefits of running that runners are always telling you about.

Inspiration - Some runners will tell you that it clears out all the stress and there is a moment of mental clarity while running.  In this moment of free thinking, precision and accurate thoughts flow like sweat down my throbbing forehead.  Thus was my experience this morning. Allow me to share my insights.

I had never considered a military career.  I don't like people screaming, I don't like them screaming at me, I don't like blood, I don't like getting up early (I now realize that all of this happens to you when you become a parent) and I don't like running. I had seen plenty of war shows to make me believe that your life in the military was just a whole lot of all of the above. I wondered why the military didn't change tactics.  It seemed to me that a lot more people would enlist if it wasn't a whole lot of "You lazy, stupid maggot! I'm sick of looking at your ugly face, now go run a hundred miles!"

My revelation came today in that every job asks a skill of its employee.  whether that is a skill or a training or a talent.  Boiled down to the core of things, the military just needs a life as collateral. Your job is to put your life on the line.  I always wondered if I would be able to do that. But then I realized that running is horrible.  If my commander told me to charge into a barrage of bullets I would say "Sir, will you still make me run if I am dead?" and he will say "Hell no son!" and I would say "Fix bayonets! Let's go get 'em boys! Hoorah!"

Endurance - I don't know that running has made me any more healthy.  But when I am doing something that is miserable, like digging a post hole, cleaning a toilet or watching a musical, I can endure through the ordeal much better because I think to myself "Yeah sure this sucks, but just think how terrible we feel when we are running" and I find I am able to refocus and push through any punishment.

More relaxing sleep - I would say I spend a good 90% of my run repeating this to myself to the beat of my cadence "Ow, Ow, Stop, this hurts, Ow, ow, I want to be at home in bed asleep..."  Repeat that to yourself over and over for an hour.  When you do finally get a chance to sleep, you had better bet your body will savor it's pain-free slumber.

I can't remember, did I mention that running ain't no fun?

Yeah well...

Today I ran 6 miles. Technically 5.5, but I am going to call it 6.  If you are going to sit there and dispute that .5 mile, then let's see you go out there and run that extra half mile for me. I'm just like you, I will drive around a parking lot for 45 minutes and break every single one of the ten commandments just to get that parking spot 10 feet closer to the door.  Sorry, I snapped there.  I think I have mentioned that running isn't fun.  It makes my body hurt and that makes me slightly irritable. It makes me say things I usually wouldn't like "Running wasn't too awful today"

The world wide web of the internets is a beautiful thing.  I decided today that there was no chance of me surviving the whole 200 miles with the knee pain I was having. I did a Google search for "Running knee pain" Apparently knee pain in runners is very common, along with the many other pains associated with running. But of all of the pains involved with running, I would definitely say knee pain ranks somewhere on the top 100 reasons why running is miserable.

Because knee pain is so prevalent, their were lots of sources and information to help you manage your pain. In true internet fashion, most of it was contradictory, made little or no sense or was trying to sell you something.  So, I picked out the information that seemed to be repeated the most and what made sense to me.

Apparently I should be stretching before a run.  I should also warm up. I hate running so much I have been treating it like getting into a cold lake.  Just jump in and reduce the shock.  Well, that is no good.  Also, when I run, I land on the heel of my foot.  Not good either. your supposed to run on the balls of your feet like you were a dainty lass frolicking in a field of marigolds. That is how I got the extra .5 mile in. I ran through the neighborhood around my house trying to learn how to run in ways I thought not possible before. I found my calves absorbed most of the impact, my stride lengthened out and there was much less pain in my hips and back.

I found that once you take the pain out of running, it is a lot like biking, except without the fun parts. You don't get the wind so much in your face.  No coasting.  Not many miles covered for your extra effort.  It just leaves you with the crappy parts.  Burning lungs, tired muscles and the incessant thought that there is no real good reason to be running.

I am still convinced that if we were to place a hidden camera in one of the smoldering caverns in Hell, we would see lots of early mornings and lots of running and most especially, lots of early morning running. However, without knee pain, running still sucked an additional 20% less. At one point I was able to ignore my body aches enough to actually start thinking about something else rather than how much I hated running.  Until my friend Shauna and active runner, drove by and yelled "Way to go Sterling!" Then I zoned back into reality and remembered that I was running.  Thanks Shauna. Actually it did give me a good chuckle and helped me run all the way to the house instead of just walking the last block, like I usually do.

Benefits of running

So, I have logged a grand total of 18 miserable and hard earned miles.  Plenty of time where I might be able to see benefits of running. One of which might be weight loss.  Yesterday I stepped on the scale.  It indicated that I was now 15 pounds lighter.  Wow!  15 pounds!  I thought I would see a huge difference in my gut flab area with the loss of 15 pounds. But here I was seeing a difference of 15 pounds on the scale. I stared skeptically.  Then I noticed the top edge of the scale was sitting on a corner of the bath mat.  I stepped off the scale and adjusted its position so that it wouldn't have any excuses to tell me lies. I stepped back on.  I was down 1 pound.  Still, I've seen my weight fluctuate 3 pounds in one day.  I knew I could walk into the kitchen, rummage around the cupboards cramming random items into my face and return five minutes later to the bathroom, my regular weight.

My understanding of the runner still remains as elusive as the road runner (pun semi-intentional) to Willey Coyote.

Help!

OK reader(s) I need your help.  This has crossed over from insane to suicidal.

I set out on my run today and only got to about mile one and my knee pain became excruciating. I walked the next half mile and decided to turn around. I only logged 3 miles today. I have never had much knee pain or back pain.  Now that I am running.  I have it all. So I need your help runners, if there are any reading this. I am convinced I am doing something wrong here beyond my incorrect decision to run.  What is it? My stride? Insufficient conditioning? Should I not be eating Big Macs when I run? My shoes? It's your turn to chime in here if I am going to survive the remaining 182 miles.

The knee that is hurting is my duck foot leg. when I walk and stand, one of my feet points about 10 degrees out. I also understand the mechanics of the issue.  You balance a chubby gut over a compromised goofy joint and there is going to be some extraneous pressures.

I also need you the reader's help in another way.  I need as many people as I can to follow this blog. Become a follower.  It's easy, it's fun and you won't hate yourself in the morning. I am asking a sponsor to support my self inflicted torture and the more followers I have the more impressive my request will be. It's the least you can do if I am going to be doing all of the running for you.  Thanks, your a peach!

Update

I had to momentarily pause my awesome running regiment after Mandy delivered the twins yesterday.  I will pick it up later this week

Awesome!

Today was AWESOME!  I loved it!  Running is so much fun! You should try it!  Nah... just kidding. Same old death trod today.

On the positive side, I did shave an additional 5 minutes off the run again.  I am down to a 13 minute mile average. The run was also an additional 20% less sucky from last time.  I have several thing to merit this to.

1. Podrunner  a free music mix podcast for running.

2. My body has figured out that the longer it can endure running, the sooner we get home and can stop running.

4.  A new running technique I am trying.  You see, I have giant, Wilt Chamberlain legs.  If you were to look at me, I would look like a baby perched on top of some stilts. I have a 34 inseam and size 13 feet.  I am 2 or 3 inches taller than my wife, but when we sit down, she is 3 or 4 inches taller than me.  I went and tried on backpacks at an outdoor equipment store.  The clerk tossed a women's pack on me and the shoulder straps arched 2 inches above my shoulders.  The clerk shrieked "Wow! you do have a short torso!"   In theory, if I let my gait stretch out into long strides, I should be able to cover some serious grounds.  The problem, I have found is that my muscles are not conditioned to that sort of movement.  A few hundred feet and my legs are screaming for divine intervention to stop this inhumane torture... well, more than they usually are.

I started my run an hour later, so I encountered more traffic.  I found it interesting to watch the faces of the people as they drove by.  they all seemed to be merrily motoring along to work, listening to their favorite zany insane morning DJs who were playing the fart song of the day when suddenly they spotted me.  Their cheery smiles dropped to a look of horror as they looked into my eyes.  They all seemed alarmed.  Some of them checked over their shoulder and looked to be calling 911.  I feel awful running, but I must look like I am ready to keel over with a big ol' fat, Cheney heart attack or something  While a cardiac arrest would certainly afford me some solace from my torture, it hasn't happened to me yet.

Well, I will see you tomorrow.  I gotta starting taping my nipples.  I think I can feel my heart beat in them right now. I don't think that is good. Either that or I need to start wearing a sports bra. More to come tomorrow.

Tired

did I mention that I also hate mornings? Well, I do The fact that I have chosen to run in the mornings, compounds my spite.

This morning I was extra tired and extra angry at the alarm clock. Mandy had a rough night and must have been up every hour and a half dealing with the pains and agonies of being huge with twins.

Today the run started out immediately with knee pain.  For reasons I can't explain, they subsided.  The stampeding cows were gone this morning.  My thought is that the herd had a discussion after I passed by on Monday that went something like:

"Geez, did you see that guy?  I think there must be a faux leather shortage.  People can't build recliners and fake leather car seats any more.  No car seats, no cars!  That's the only explanation I have for that guy to be out here running.  He doesn't have a car to drive or a recliner to lounge in.  With no other options, he has to run as a means of transportation!"

Another cow cleared her throat, breaking the silence and voiced what the others were thinking "Come on girls, let's do the right thing.  We need to turn ourselves into the processing plant and have our hides turned to leather.  Besides, he looks like he could have used a burger.  Let's go girls"

No, it was not cows this morning, but cats and horses.  a couple blocks from the house a cat darted across the street and stopped in the middle of the road, next to where I was running and stood there with a confused look on its face.  His head shook back and forth like it was searching the scenery in front of me and behind me trying to figure out what I was running to get to or trying to figure out what I was running from.  Either that, or it was a head shake of pity. 

I ran by a pasture that had some horses.  One of them ran up to the fence as close as it could get to me and stood there, ears standing tall and directed at me and its eyes sending a glaring gaze.  To me, it seemed that he was trying to say "Pssst!  Hey!  Yo!  Hey man, whatever was chasing you is gone!  Look!  Hey!  Trust me man, you can stop running now!  Really! What are you deaf?  Lookie here Ed, this man is deaf!" One of the horses looked up from a tuft of grass that it was munching on.  "That there is a real shame" He said. 

At least today I ran 90% of the time and walked only a few hundred feet at a time.  The overall run was about 20% easier.  That is not to say I enjoyed it 20% more.  That just means it sucked 20% less. There's a huge difference there. 

When I returned home I discovered I had shaved a whopping 5 minutes off from my previous run.  a WHOLE 1 minute off of every mile.  5 miles in 70 minutes.  Whoopee!  I seriously think I can walk faster than that.  Not only is running a whole lot more painful than running, in the long run, it isn't all that much faster.  

And then the chaffing this morning!  the shirt I wore this morning felt like sandpaper on the ol' nips. When I got in the shower, I had to check because it felt like someone had shaved them off with a razor and poured salt on the wounds.  Isn't running fun?

I'm 1/20th the way there.  Only 38 more runs to go.  

What have I done?

It's official. I hate running.

I traveled 5 miles this morning. I say "traveled" because I walked most of it. I can't rightly stake a claim like "run" 5 miles, if I didn't at least do more than half of that while actually in the state of running.

After one block my body was already begging "So, you're serious about this? Come on now, let's just turn around and go get back in bed"

After 2 blocks my body said "All right, if you are serious, then I am going to hunker down and concentrate on getting this over as soon as possible."

I ran clear up until about the first mile. I passed some cows. They most likely supposed I was one of their own and saw I was running and instinctively decided that if one of them was running, they had better run too because there is something bad or dangerous around. I caused the whole herd to stampede to the other side of the field. They all got to the far side of the field and looked back at me with confused eyes and said "Mooo" That's what they said, but I am pretty sure they said "Idiot" "Stupid" and "lame". I overheard one of the calves say "Mom, does that man hate himself?" and Its mom said back "Yes my dear, he does" and the calf said "Why?" and the cow responded "I don't know, I don't know..."

Just after the cows I saw something that made me jump. Something very small and black with white stripes on it running and squeaking in fear of me. Little baby birds. Three of them. I nearly stepped on the first one.

It was bad enough that I was dying, now I was about to crush some baby birds. This seemed like a good time to slow down and walk a bit. I walked about 100 feet and kept running until about mile 2.

At mile 2 my knee started throbbing like kettle drum with every step. I've never had knee problems. However, I don't think I have ever run further than 2 miles either.

I mix jogged and ran to mile 3. My body took turns aching in different spots. My legs, my guts, my feet. With my knee constantly aching through all of it. It was like a challenge for my body parts to see who could come up with the most agonizing dispute over this running situation. It was my colon who won.

I suddenly felt the urge to use the bathroom. When you have a load of hay in the loft of your barn and the rafters aren't too sturdy, this isn't the time to be bouncing up and down and rocking the load. I walked to mile 4.

Mile 5 came by mostly walking and short distance jogs.

Well... only 195 more to go. Runners is some mighty queer folk.

The journey begins

Andy Bernard tapes his nipples in preparation for the Michael Scott’s Meredith Palmer Memorial Celebrity Rabies Awareness Fun Run

I always strive to understand people. I find I respect them more when I see how they tick. I have repeatedly failed to understand runners. When I run I hurt all over. With every fiber of my aching body, I want to stop. A certain part of my brain repeatedly asks "So... why are we running? Hey, I don't see a bear chasing us. Is there an ax murderer? A bomb? Donny Osmond? What? Why are we running?" I never have a good answer for that part of my brain when I run.

So, in a quest to understand the runner, I am preparing to go a mile in his shoes. Well, not just one mile. 200 miles. All of them running -- or mostly running interspersed with slow ambling and heavy panting trying to figure out why I am doing this again.

Why am I doing this? I think running is awful. I don't wish the activity upon the most willing of participants. Yet I still see runners out plodding along, looking miserable, everywhere. For every runner, I am sure there are 10 people sitting at home wondering the same thing I do. Why, why, why, for the love of reclining couches, do people run? For those 10 people, I'm your guy. I care so much about you, that I am willing to run so that you don't have to. I am wandering into this house of horrors and will return with a complete report, so that you my friend can know exactly what is in there without actually having to place one running shoe in that sadistic mad house.

Starting tomorrow morning I will run a minimum of 5 miles/day, at least 4 days a week until I finally have notched 200 miles. You stay there in your chair and I will do my best to relive the horrors of such an endeavor. Why am I starting this just before my wife will be very shortly delivering twins? When do I think I will have time to sleep, let alone run? Why am I doing this again? These are all good questions. I am positively void of any solid answers. All I can say is that I do many things that lack linear logic or, any thought processes at all. I'm like a tire. That's how I roll.

As always, your eternal blogosphere friend,

Sterling