Why run?

There are those -- the hardcore runners, who I can only assume hate themselves, that eat so that they can run wherever they want. I however, find the only benefit of running is that I could eat whatever I want.  That is why I ate something like 12 pounds of tiny spicy chicken last night.  If you think that eating a plate of food that weighs the same as a large baby and then going for a run the following morning is a bad idea... Then you sir or ma'am would be absolutely correct.

When you run, your body hurts. Your legs, your knees, your feet, your back, your stomach, your head and your arms. When your intestines toss a complaint onto the heap, you hardly notice.  Fortunately, I was able to take a few deep breaths and keep on running despite the kettle ball of Chinese food clanging around in my gutty works. Today's run, ranks about a 3 or a 4 on the suckiness scale. I even felt good enough on the last 3 blocks to open up into a full run from my usual lumbering shuffle of a jog.

My usual course is currently closed to the public due to the fact that it parallels a river that has transformed into a raging torrent that has glutted itself on a plentiful spring runoff.  I have had to follow a 3 mile loop through the neighborhoods around my house. Despite going on several runs last week and one thus far this week. I am only on mile 70 of my 200 goal. Running is getting easier, but let's be perfectly honest -- running, it just ain't no fun.

Season 2

Stupid global warming. After what must have been 29 months of cold, snow and wet weather, I relate to this commercial way more than I am comfortable divulging.

With delirious confusion I located the most unused item in the house, my running shoes before my body realized what we were up to and could formulate a reasonable excuse to not run. In my book many things qualify a "reasonable" excuse to not run.  Too dark, too bright, too cold, too hot, too rainy, too arid, too early, too late, too sleepy, too awake, too busy, too bored, too omelettey, too um... tofu-ey.

Today I staggered onto the porch with two new weapons.  New running shoes and a new running partner.



Kylee. This is her begging for mercy/playing dead when I suggested we go running. She must have felt it was too lay in the grass and watch birds-like today to want to run.  I don't blame her.

1.5 miles into our run I decided that even with new shoes and a running partner that literally pulls you along, running still was no fun. Armed with the excuse that I didn't want to "over do it" I turned around and made it a 3 mile day. Kylee is sitting in the back recuperating, drinking copious amounts of water and sulking because I didn't let her smell that cat crap and eat some of that skunk carcass.  I now hold the opinion that dogs are much smarter than people give them credit for.  Even Kylee almost instinctively knows that smelling crap and eating skunk carcass are better alternatives to running.

Huh...

I went running yesterday after a lengthy vacation. I am truly worried about myself. I started out slow and braced myself for the inevitable wave of aches and pains. Nothing. I felt fine. I ran faster and faster still. I felt fine. The only inhibitor was the burning in my lungs if I ran too fast. It was exhilarating to run pain free, and that was actually, (gulp) actually, sort of, kinda... Well, fun? Maybe fun is too strong. Let me rephrase. It was a run devoid of suckiness. A run with the absence of suckiness actually isn’t too bad of a way to spend your time. I suspect this is just a fluke. The planets were aligned, the gods were smiling upon me and the conditions were ripe for a good run. I suspect the regular pains of running will return. They better anyway. I can’t come to the end of this experiment with an appreciation of running. As we ALL know, running ain’t no fun. The one thing I still can’t figure out, is why I am actually putting on weight.

Mutiny

If my legs could be personified, you would have seen them standing there, tight lips, turned into a defiant frown, like a straw with both ends melted, pointed downward in the same direction as their attitude. A single arm stabbed purposefully in the air with a middle finger perched proudly on top like a light house on a rocky crag.

When I run, there is a part of my brain that calls out cadence, tosses out commands, barks orders, pushes people around.  Upon seeing my leg's defiant mutiny, his face turned red, a furrowed scowl grew on his face, his lips turned down also, but briefly.  And then the lips parted slowly.  Stringy pieces of spit clung to the top and bottom teeth like they were trying to pull the whole crevasse back together.  And then came a low and building wail "Mommy! They are being mean to me!" and then he clenched his fists, stomped his feet and stamped in a circle and then ran to his room sobbing uncontrollably.

I watched the whole thing unfold in my head in amazement.  Monday's run seemed so effortless.  It barely bothered me at all.  With the exception of the onset of the horrible chaffing issue, it was almost... if but, a trace bit, enjoyable.  And then today.  Legs just threw off the shackles and said "ENOUGH!" I ended up walking most of my run this morning. What did I do different?

Then it occurred to me.  In the mornings I never feel hungry. The thought of food, most of the time when I wake up makes me want to trot to the bathroom grab the toilet bowl with both hands and start calling out for my long lost friend "RALPH!" Here's what I figure.  Hunger is controlled by a series of chemical reactions in the body, like ghrelin, insulin and who knows what else play this balancing act.  When the scales get off balance your brain interprets that as hunger.  Obviously, my body chemistry is in standby mode when I wake up.  It takes a few hours for things to fire up and get going.

Serotonin is a chemical in our bodies that give us a feeling of well-being.  If my system is on standby then it is impossible for me to feel happiness in the mornings.  I am an autonomous shell of a man lethargically bumping my way around, completely void of logical thought processes or capable of feeling happy.  You would think, in this robotic state of being, I could just charge out there and hammer out my run before I even knew what was going on. Not so.  Boy is there a huge difference in my performance in the evenings compared to my mornings.  Just further proof that this kid is a night person and should not do anything in the mornings but sleep.

The good, the bad, the ugly

Well, I am 40 miles in. 1/5 of the way done. How is it going so far? Do I love running yet? Is it paying off? I think you will all be astonished, as I am that today's run wasn't all that bad.  My legs were not burning. My breathing was a comfortable rhythm of steady and deep breathes. I was never winded. I picked a conservative pace and just chugged along.

For the first time, without aching legs, I was able to open up a long stride and maintain it. What happens when you take bigger steps? Where do our legs bend?  They bend where they join the hip bone.  This joint causes a pivot point. A pivot point that causes both legs to cross paths in opposite directions, right around the upper, inner thigh.  A location where I have a bit of flab. Both legs slapping back and forth against each other.  Mix in a bit of sweat.  Skin gets sticky.  Sticky skin causes friction.  Friction causes heat.  Heat causes burns. burns remove layers of skin. When layers of skin are removed, bleeding occurs.  OK, so I didn't bleed, but I did cause some burning and took off a few layers of skin.  This happened suddenly at about mile 4.  I walked the last mile, very gingerly. Just when I think I have overcome another treachery of running, I discover another one. I like the way the miseries of running continually morph and reinvent themselves into completely new and unplanned pains. Ain't running fun?

Another benefit or running

I noticed today while running that maybe I am getting better conditioned.  I am not breathing hard when I run. Might I stress that I am getting PHYSICALLY accustomed to running.  Mentally... not so much. Every mile or so, my mind sends down the signal "OK everybody! We've had about enough of this, let's change it up a bit and walk for 1,2 or maybe the rest of the jog"  My legs are obedient and they go "Yeah, good idea" and I walk.  Thn my heart, my lungs and even my legs go "Hey, you know what?  We um, actually aren't that tired anymore.  Would you mind if we started running again to get this whole crap-fest over with?" and my mind says "YIGH! Hold up! What-is-the-rush? Let's just take this one step at at time.  A nice leisurely step at a time huh?" and so I walk for a bit.

I have also found another benefit to running.  I have never had any sort of stomach condition that would be called heartburn.  I have never felt the pains and agony of such. Since running, I have developed heartburn. Running is so awesome.

Benefits of Running

Have I mentioned that running ain't no fun? Well, it isn't. And I hate it. But I think I have finally tapped into a few of the benefits of running that runners are always telling you about.

Inspiration - Some runners will tell you that it clears out all the stress and there is a moment of mental clarity while running.  In this moment of free thinking, precision and accurate thoughts flow like sweat down my throbbing forehead.  Thus was my experience this morning. Allow me to share my insights.

I had never considered a military career.  I don't like people screaming, I don't like them screaming at me, I don't like blood, I don't like getting up early (I now realize that all of this happens to you when you become a parent) and I don't like running. I had seen plenty of war shows to make me believe that your life in the military was just a whole lot of all of the above. I wondered why the military didn't change tactics.  It seemed to me that a lot more people would enlist if it wasn't a whole lot of "You lazy, stupid maggot! I'm sick of looking at your ugly face, now go run a hundred miles!"

My revelation came today in that every job asks a skill of its employee.  whether that is a skill or a training or a talent.  Boiled down to the core of things, the military just needs a life as collateral. Your job is to put your life on the line.  I always wondered if I would be able to do that. But then I realized that running is horrible.  If my commander told me to charge into a barrage of bullets I would say "Sir, will you still make me run if I am dead?" and he will say "Hell no son!" and I would say "Fix bayonets! Let's go get 'em boys! Hoorah!"

Endurance - I don't know that running has made me any more healthy.  But when I am doing something that is miserable, like digging a post hole, cleaning a toilet or watching a musical, I can endure through the ordeal much better because I think to myself "Yeah sure this sucks, but just think how terrible we feel when we are running" and I find I am able to refocus and push through any punishment.

More relaxing sleep - I would say I spend a good 90% of my run repeating this to myself to the beat of my cadence "Ow, Ow, Stop, this hurts, Ow, ow, I want to be at home in bed asleep..."  Repeat that to yourself over and over for an hour.  When you do finally get a chance to sleep, you had better bet your body will savor it's pain-free slumber.

I can't remember, did I mention that running ain't no fun?